The little girl, who nobody knew, the pain so deep. It became chronic, so damaging, that she no longer even felt it. It became part of her very existence, although ignored, it was there. Tearing apart her insides to shreds. To the few that even ‘saw’ her – it was as if no one knew. How could they not see her dying inside? Did they not notice or just not care? As her insides were wilting away, the walls on the outside were getting thicker and higher. O deal with life! The girl who was numb wore many masks: one for each occasion and circle of people. She was very good at changing them without notice. There were moments when she started to reveal, but quickly she took back any sign of life and again secluded herself behind the walls. A perfect girl for all to see, or so they thought. Her masks were now her identity or so she thought. This numbing process continued throughout her life. She turned to drugs, alcohol and sex. The love and healing she craved so deeply was being momentarily filled with a quick high or a few moments of desire from a man she barely knew. The desire to be embraced was becoming too much to bear. Somehow she felt that this would dull the pain, but it was only feeding it. This life of numbing, walls, distrust, abuse, hopelessness and shame. Her identity now found in her abilities to please a man and seek his approval, whatever the cost.
Until ONE DAY, someone finally saw her pain and MY heart cried out ‘you see it!’ All this hurt that I have hidden from myself. It was if the walls were transparent to her. The questions came, what now? The healing process can begin! Learning to feel, a very difficult process for those who have never allowed themselves to experience it. But the awesome part in all of this is the Man I met along the way. He has taught me that He will carry my burdens. I no longer have to hold on to the pain. It is the healing power of Jesus that will set me free and demolish the walls I have set before me. It is what I had been waiting for since I was a small disappointed child.
As I look back to the woman with the issue of blood, I am reminded that she too tried everything ‘humanly possible’ to get well, she too was a disgrace to everyone. Matthew 9:20-22 - “And behold, a woman who had suffered from a flow of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment; For she kept saying to herself, If I only touch His garment, I shall be restored to health. Jesus turned around and, seeing her, He said, Take courage, daughter! Your faith has made you well. And at once the woman was restored to health.” Out of sheer desperation and faith she obtained her healing through HIM.
All the temporary fixes that we cling to, I am here to Testify to you that Not One is comparable to the life that Jesus breathed into my decaying soul and wounded spirit! With every breath He gives, I can breathe deeper, stand up taller without shame, look people in the eye with the confidence of who I am in Him. The breaths keep coming, they don’t stop. They are sustaining me, the void is being filled. The walls are being penetrated by who He is. I trust Him, it has been established by His word that I can. I feel it. He does know my pain, He has seen it all, and most of all He wants to take it, the years of treacherous torture on my soul. The more He breathes in to me, the more my worth is being restored. I am still reliant on the daily breath of God in my life.
This is a process that is ongoing and is something that I know God will continue in me. I just now know that my strength is found in Him. I thank God for this, and my understanding of this. My heart is passionate for seeing women healed, set free and restored by the miracle worker Himself. I am a woman after the heart of God, and I ask Him daily to show me the hearts of hurting women. I pray that He would let me see deep into their hearts and give me words for them to begin the process for them. My heart’s cry is for the Lord to use me. In all I do to God be the glory. I hope that this will release women to a deeper realization that He is our Healer and the Lifter of our heads.
Signed,
Feeling
No comments:
Post a Comment