From the Pit to the Rock

Lord, please give me the words to write so that they will be relevant to others, that there would be soul stirring. The love and gratitude I have for Jesus is more than words can say. I pray my life would be just a pinch of thankfulness to Him. 

My favorite Scripture is Psalms 18. I know God wrote it with me on His mind. He knew I would need to read it at some point in my life. He knows our beginnings from our end and all the in betweens. Here is why this particular Psalm is my favorite:

Verse 1 – The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer. My God is my rock in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn (which means strength) of my salvation and my stronghold.

I would not want to imagine my life today without the privilege of being able to take refuge in my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my God.

Verse 2 – I call to the Lord, whom is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

But what if your enemy is the very one you love? My husband was an abusive alcoholic whose action of opening another can sent my children fleeing to their rooms, and me feeling as though I wanted to hide from him as well. I prayed God would forgive me for allowing my children to live in this environment, being too afraid to leave. Although my husband never hit the kids, the emotional damage to them was just as significant as my bruises.

Verse 4 – The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.

This is how one feels when they are living in these circumstances. I can’t tell you in these few words the horror that existed for me and my children. One can only imagine, BUT GOD!

Verse 6 – In my distress, I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple he heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears.

The Lord heard my cry with His ears. It is amazing to know that He’s listening to me. He was waiting for me to call on Him so He could come to my rescue. He is a warrior ready to battle any enemy that comes against us. So what did He do?

Verse 9 – He parted the heavens and came down.

Verse 13 – The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies.

Verse 16 – He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies.

My soul stirs as I write this, to know that the Lord came to me, took me in His arms to comfort and protect me while he battled my enemy. He said, “Its okay, my daughter, I’m here. Everything will be alright.” To know that He loves me that much brings tears to my eyes. Knowing I was drowning, He pulled me out of the deep waters. I tried for years to work this out on my own. I never succeeded for this reason:

Verse 30 – As for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

This is why I couldn’t fight this situation on my own. It wasn’t my battle, it was God’s and He was just waiting for my call.

My husband is sober now, the abuse has stopped, and healing is taking place. Although it is a long journey for all of us, I know God is with me every step of the way. And because of who He is in my life, the lives of my children, and because of all He has done and continues to do…

Verse 49 – Therefore I will praise You among the nations, O Lord; I will sing praises to Your name. He gives his king (which is us) great victories; he shows unfailing kindness to His anointed, to David, and his descendants forever.

My God, words are not enough to tell of Your grace. Thank you, Lord!

Signed,

The Rock

Detour to Destined

This life we live is a journey toward our destination.  There are side trips or detours along the way that help to build character and to strengthen us.  This is one of those side trips I can share because the Lord’s hand is on my life.  I can thank him for this detour and smile at the future, praying that my King will be pleased when I arrive at my destination.

“So where is your sister moving to?” asked a mutual friend at a wedding reception I was attending. The conversation continued as the friend expressed her surprise after seeing the “sold” sign in front of my sister’s house.  Wondering if she noticed the incredulous expression on my face, I responded that my brother-in law got a job transfer.  After blurting out that they were moving to North Carolina (which later turned out to be the correct guess) I quickly ended our conversation in order to be alone.  

Once in the ladies room, I closed the door and prayed that the Lord would help me with the surreal feeling I was experiencing.  My sister, my once dearest and closest friend was moving away to an unknown destination.  This was yet another episode in the unraveling of a series of unbelievable events that had taken hold in the lives of the people I love.  After regaining composure I found the mutual friend among the wedding guests.  I told her there was something I needed to speak to her about and apologized for not being truthful earlier that evening.  I confided to the friend that I was unaware of my sister’s intent to move, as I had not seen nor spoken with her for the past several months due to a deep wedge within our family. Now that my sister and her family were moving, the distance would be greater and the wedge would be deeper than I could have ever imagined.  There was an ache within me that evening at the wedding but there was also a sense of freedom experienced as that friend and I took each others hands and prayed for reconciliation in my family. There was freedom because this mutual friend was the first person let in to this private area of my life and into what I had been experiencing and suppressing for the past year.  The friend was given a small, vague glimpse and generalities regarding the family turmoil but that was all. She did not learn of the greater ache and deeper wounds that began several years earlier in the life of my oldest daughter. 

At the tender age of three my daughter was sexually abused.  She was abused by a member of my family.  Her world would drastically be altered.  The abuse repainted the bright colorful rainbows in her life a dismal, colorless shade of gray.  The insidious effects of the abuse tried to rob my daughter of her childhood and continued to try to destroy her future. She endured the abuse for nine years, until the age of twelve; it took another twelve years for the wounds that were buried within her to be brought to the surface.     Then He took the child by the hand, and said to her … “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” … for she was twelve years of age. Mark 5:41. 

My daughter experienced first hand as many other women have those deep, deep places that can only be healed by the love and compassion of Christ.  Only the power of the Holy Spirit could penetrate through the layers of pain, hurt and despair and guide the wisdom and advice of extensive Christian counseling that ultimately helped lead the way to healing and forgiveness. I know for my daughter that some days, the old memories try to resurface and are much more painful than others, but by the grace of God, she presses on.  This treasure of a daughter is a living testimony, glowing in the radiance of the Christ, assured in the Father’s love, precious in His sight and choosing victory over defeat.    Behold, I make all things new. Revelation 21:5

I too, am choosing victory over defeat.  Reflecting back on the grieving process my husband and I experienced after learning of our daughter’s abuse, I can truly thank the Lord for His grace, mercy and healing in my own life.

Initially learning of the abuse, the guilt we internalized as parents was insurmountable.  Questions we had were asked and rehashed hundreds of times.  How could we not have known?  How could this have possibly happened and why weren’t we there to protect our child?  Our days, our nights, our dreams our life, were all filled with anguish beyond belief.  One day blended into the next as we grieved the loss and pain in our daughter’s life.  There were days literally spent crying out, my face to the floor, moaning from the deepest places within my soul before the Lord. His timing is perfect!  During a spring vacation from work was when this grieving process took place.  I can thank the Lord for His grace in allowing me the time needed to be alone in His arms.  My husband had to prevent me from throwing away our photo albums.  To me they were reminders of the pain our daughter experienced behind the photos. It was too much to bear.   Evening and morning and at noon, I will pray and cry aloud, And He shall hear my voice. Psalm55:17  

When sexual abuse rears its ugly head it tries to destroy everything in its path.  After its attempt to destroy its victim it continues to tear through the whole family wiping out years of trust and cherished relationships, turning them into betrayal and alienation.    

Knowledge of the abuse was tolerated in my extended family as long as it remained within the family.  Once it crossed the boundaries of the outside world, the family ties took on a whole new dimension.  The family member that abused our daughter has been forgiven. That phase of the process did not happen over night, but he truly has been forgiven.  There was no longer a physical threat but seeing the family member ignited emotional reminders within my daughter.  When realizing the magnitude these effects had on her, we as parents would not let her go through one more second of anguish.  This time around, our little girl was going to be protected. This time we would be there for her.  

Upon making a reasonable request to prevent possible contact, the reactions from my family were totally unexpected.  The reasonable request became the catalyst for the family thought to be standing with us during this trial, to turn and step aside.  I went beyond the walls of the family to protect my child.  I would do it again. Arrows began to fly questioning the validity of the abuse, stating denials and more arrows of false accusations followed.  The blow was crushing.  After sensing the misguided rage during a sibling meeting, it was quickly realized there was nothing I could say to change their minds. It was not to be believed that we simply were asking for a request to be honored.  That was all.  There was nothing I could say to help them understand. They had taken a position based on their own beliefs and, drawn a line in the sand and closed their minds.  Abuse is ugly.  Sin is ugly.  The enemy’s plan is to steal, kill and destroy.  We have not spoken to each other for over a year. 

I understand their hurt and pain and continue to pray for their healing and wholeness. A decision was made to stand up for a child who in the not so distant past was left broken because we were unaware. We became aware.  She would be protected. Her wholeness outweighed the loss.        

When my mother and father forsake me (or my brothers and sisters) then the Lord will take care of me. Psalm 27:10

The Lord has taken care of me and given me scripture throughout this journey. Because of Him I can pray for my family.  I love them dearly, have forgiven them and pray for their destination. 

Perhaps, if I happen to run into the friend from the wedding and she asks me how things are going with my family, I can point her in the direction of the banquet table set before my King, looking across at a family that has been truly reconciled.  

… but the Lord comes to give life more abundantly. 

John 10:10

Thank you Lord!

Signed,

Destined

Numbness to Feeling

The little girl, who nobody knew, the pain so deep. It became chronic, so damaging, that she no longer even felt it.  It became part of her very existence, although ignored, it was there.  Tearing apart her insides to shreds.  To the few that even ‘saw’ her – it was as if no one knew.  How could they not see her dying inside?  Did they not notice or just not care?  As her insides were wilting away, the walls on the outside were getting thicker and higher.  O deal with life!  The girl who was numb wore many masks: one for each occasion and circle of people.  She was very good at changing them without notice.  There were moments when she started to reveal, but quickly she took back any sign of life and again secluded herself behind the walls.  A perfect girl for all to see, or so they thought.  Her masks were now her identity or so she thought.  This numbing process continued throughout her life.  She turned to drugs, alcohol and sex.  The love and healing she craved so deeply was being momentarily filled with a quick high or a few moments of desire from a man she barely knew.  The desire to be embraced was becoming too much to bear.  Somehow she felt that this would dull the pain, but it was only feeding it.  This life of numbing, walls, distrust, abuse, hopelessness and shame.  Her identity now found in her abilities to please a man and seek his approval, whatever the cost.  

Until ONE DAY, someone finally saw her pain and MY heart cried out ‘you see it!’ All this hurt that I have hidden from myself.  It was if the walls were transparent to her.  The questions came, what now? The healing process can begin!  Learning to feel, a very difficult process for those who have never allowed themselves to experience it.  But the awesome part in all of this is the Man I met along the way.  He has taught me that He will carry my burdens.  I no longer have to hold on to the pain.  It is the healing power of Jesus that will set me free and demolish the walls I have set before me.  It is what I had been waiting for since I was a small disappointed child. 

As I look back to the woman with the issue of blood, I am reminded that she too tried everything ‘humanly possible’ to get well, she too was a disgrace to everyone.  Matthew 9:20-22 - “And behold, a woman who had suffered from a flow of blood for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His garment; For she kept saying to herself, If I only touch His garment, I shall be restored to health.  Jesus turned around and, seeing her, He said, Take courage, daughter! Your faith has made you well. And at once the woman was restored to health.”  Out of sheer desperation and faith she obtained her healing through HIM.  

All the temporary fixes that we cling to, I am here to Testify to you that Not One is comparable to the life that Jesus breathed into my decaying soul and wounded spirit!  With every breath He gives, I can breathe deeper, stand up taller without shame, look people in the eye with the confidence of who I am in Him.  The breaths keep coming, they don’t stop.  They are sustaining me, the void is being filled.   The walls are being penetrated by who He is.  I trust Him, it has been established by His word that I can.  I feel it.   He does know my pain, He has seen it all, and most of all He wants to take it, the years of treacherous torture on my soul.  The more He breathes in to me, the more my worth is being restored.  I am still reliant on the daily breath of God in my life.  

This is a process that is ongoing and is something that I know God will continue in me.  I just now know that my strength is found in Him.  I thank God for this, and my understanding of this.  My heart is passionate for seeing women healed, set free and restored by the miracle worker Himself.  I am a woman after the heart of God, and I ask Him daily to show me the hearts of hurting women.  I pray that He would let me see deep into their hearts and give me words for them to begin the process for them.  My heart’s cry is for the Lord to use me.  In all I do to God be the glory.  I hope that this will release women to a deeper realization that He is our Healer and the Lifter of our heads. 

Signed,

Feeling 

My Strength to His Strength

For years I spent in bible study, learning to have spiritual feet and building spiritual muscle.  I married a Christian young man with a call to ministry on his life.  Together we were blessed with seven children, six boys and one girl.  We spent fourteen wonderful years building a church and raising our children.  I grew and stretched my wings finding out how far I could fly.  Moving from the city to the country brought a sense of new beginnings, adventure and the unexpected.  The culture, values and priorities were so different living there.  In 1989, we experienced a major attack that caused a break up of our church and it opened a door for the enemy to try to destroy our family.  So the country was like a breath of fresh air or was it?  To some degree, it was like going back in time.  We pastored a little country church.  Sunday morning consisted of a wonderful elderly lady who played the hymns on the organ and sometimes the atmosphere seemed like an episode of ‘Little House on the Prairie.’  A night out with my husband was a cup of coffee on our porch.  I would teach Sunday school and play my Omni chord to help lead worship.  During a short time of about one year, we faced much uncertainty.  Rumors were spread and lies were told to bring what was left of our lives to come crashing to the ground.  Where do you go and how do you fight a spiritual battle that follows you and will not give up?  There seemed to be no way out.  Our only desire was to stay together and beat this thing.  My husband offered to step down from the church to keep them from entering this battle.  They would not hear of it and continued to love and respect him as their pastor.  Where were we going to end up?  I would play my harp in the evening praising God till the midnight hour.  My family was the walking wounded and all I had to offer was my praise to God.  So many nights I spent filling the house with praise, tears and prayer.  Lord Please Help!  

Then one beautiful Saturday, August 24, 1991, we planned a trip to the city to pick up our car that was being fixed and buy school clothes for our children.  We made it just to the corner of that old country road and Suddenly our lives would be changed forever.  My husband, I and all seven children were in a terrible car accident, which claimed the life of my husband and my second oldest son.  There was screaming and groaning in the car, moments of going in and out of consciousness.  I could hear, but not respond to anyone.  I was helpless, grieving, homeless.  A huge hole in my heart.  The pain too much to bear.  From this day forward, I would need a new strength, one that would move me from the face of death to the promise of life.  No longer was my strength enough to pull me through, yet the hand of God would hold me, lead me and wipe every tear away.  

This is a small portion of a bigger picture.  The best is yet to come.  God is so good and has taught me to hear His voice and follow His lead.  Now His strength has and will continue to be perfect in my weakness.

Signed,

His Strength

"Deal with it" to "Deliverance"

At the age of 13, my father walked out of our home never to return. He walked out on my Mom and 3 kids ages 13-9-1. My Mom had a job where her hours were 3pm-11pm to support us. At 13 I became an instant Mom. But I decided that day that I would be a survivor. I learned how to deal with it, and always had an action plan. 

A few years ago, I went through an incredibly difficult year. I lost my grandmother, Grace, my Aunt who was my spiritual Mom, and then very unexpectedly my own Mom.  I was dealing with grief and my husband’s Parkinson's disease.  My husband was also involved in an accident that morning that totaled 2 SUVs and a 25 ton truck.

As my husband Bill laid in the ER, with every test they did the news went from bad to worse. After the last CT they told Bill that he had a broken neck and jaw and that a neurologist would be coming later to fit him with a halo. All through our stay there, he kept on proclaiming to anyone that would stand still that he served a God of miracles and that he would be walking out of there totally whole. Even as a nurse told him that the films don't lie, he just kept on proclaiming God's promises.

I prayed a lot and I believed in God's healing powers. I also made a ton of phone calls so that others were with us in prayer. But as I paced the waiting room, I was making plans in my head as how we would make it through the next few months. As I watched the doctors, nurses, friends and others come and go, I felt numb. Even after the miraculous news, everyone was praising God, but for some reason I just could not connect. I was looking down a long tunnel, and couldn't take part in the celebration. I was too consumed trying to deal with it my way that I almost missed what a miracle had taken place.  So I took Bill home that night with no broken bones, no bruises, scratches or cuts. He was not even sore the next day.  So life went on, and my next step in dealing with things was to get some counseling on how to be an effective caregiver to someone with Parkinson's. 

The next morning in my private prayer time with the Lord, the Holy Spirit got right in my face and asked, "How can you trust God for most things, but always keep a little piece for yourself?”  I just shook my head. He took me back to when I was 13, standing at the window, watching my Daddy leave. This time I looked over my left shoulder and saw satan in my backyard digging a pit. My pit was called survival. Over the years, ‘how to deal with it’, became my comfort zone. And I didn't even know I had a pit!!!   Then God took me back to Bill's hospital room where I began to see a truth, and now I was doing it with Parkinson's' disease. Back in my living room Jesus took my hands in His and said, “I am your deliverer, you trust Me for everything or you trust Me for nothing.”  “I don't want you to deal with it. I want you to trust Me enough to let Me deal with it." His refusal to bend to my will might seem uncompassionate. But He was pushing me to higher ground, from glory to glory.

I realized I was disobedient and dishonoring the Father, the Word and what Jesus had done on the cross. After repenting for my sin and declaring myself free, I turned and still had to answer the question, what do I do now? When He answered me, I heard Him tell me to begin by ‘calling those things which are not, as though they are.’  He reminded me that ‘I have the mind of Christ, and that He is the restorer of my soul.’  He then told me that He is not moved by what I see.’  

God is so passionate about having a relationship with you.  He wants everything we've got, the good, bad and the ugly. If you hold nothing back, neither will God. The limitations put on my life were a lie. I spent most of my life, slipping in and out of a pit, without even knowing I had one.

Signed,

Deliverance