After being woken up from a strange dream that brought me back in time, I found myself looking into an old dusty briefcase where a black book, a journal made its home. I battled within me to pick it up and read it. At the time I didn’t know why, but as I did, I found myself hiding from no one else but me in the bathroom glancing at it. Just one glance at mere words on the pages and my heart began to palpitate. I found myself not only shocked but disgusted at what I was reading. The truth of who I was, a negative and deeply hurt and wounded being. “Me”. My first thought was to shut it as if to hide it from the world. But I was hiding it from no one else but me. I quickly put the journal back in the briefcase as to hide from others what I saw and read. But the words of a deep hidden wounded and negative girl could not leave my memory, for I lived it. Bent over holding my stomach I just wept for her. For the ‘me’ and who I was. It brought to the very surface the past of which I tried to hide. The ‘me’ I tried to forget and hide from others, the pages. The shameful ‘me’ only God was able to change.
My heart raced as I remember those moments of anger and rage when deep depression was too strong for me to fight. I would find myself on my knees praying for hours. Desperately asking God several questions, to guide me to a new and different path from the spiral road I was taking. I begged Him to please get me out of this crazy maze of a box I found myself in. I specifically stated ‘I don’t like myself.’ I did not realize it but my own self; my own hatred for me was not only causing a lot of unhappiness in me but problems in my relationships with friends and family. I hated myself to the point of suicidal thoughts. To add to this I found myself in legal battles over my stolen identity paying off a debt caused by a family member I was taught to trust. The only solution out of this trap was to end my life. To make matters worse I found myself pouring all of myself into a toxic relationship. How I got there began ever so subtly but quickly slid into a spiraling endless road. I found myself in an altered relationship I felt was only good enough for me since I should not expect anything better. I found myself in an alternative lifestyle even if it was not what I believed in. Though I felt what I know now to be the fumes of toxic waste, I convinced myself to accept this, creating more insecurity, fear, anxiety and negative emotions to me and those who tried to get close to me.
Today I can say, Colossians 2: 13 – 14, When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins; Having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us. God truly has forgiven all my sins and cancelled every record of the debt I had to pay.
So what was it that caused me to shut that black book so quickly and weep for that girl? As I prayed for this answer in the moments of reminiscing I saw as if a mask, my old mask that gave me such an ugly and shameful identity broke into many pieces. Looking back it was truly a challenge, a struggle between the spiritual and toxic nature. Looking back seeing everything thrown to me at once was only the enemy trying to keep me in that box to intoxicate me even more and make me stay in the unvalued and worthless state of mind. Though it did not happen overnight I needed to make a decision to let go of those things that take hold of my past. I needed to open the pages for me to see. The “me” I was. The “me” I am no more. I then began shredding all my old things that no longer had a hold on me. Although it did not feel good at the moment because to be honest every girl wants to hold on to memories, shedding it brought true cleansing for me. It was truly a rebirth.
I began to realize that if I was going to experience any success in my life I was going to have to involve God in every part of my life. God was tearing down walls and taking me out of the box in addition to adjusting my lifestyle. God healed me in many different ways! 2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! God is working in me continuously, making healthy change and positive adjustments. I will never forget what happened. In 2002, a dear friend took me to church at The Tabernacle. I noticed the sign – “One People One Call to Heal the Broken” She introduced me to an inspirational person, Pastor Jo Ann, and she started to pray for me. I followed her prayerful advice and I was able to take many positive steps forward. I began to accept myself. It’s very true! I am not the same anymore, my life has begun. I was freed. God unlocked the “gate” that held the “me” in the inner self created prison, in darkness and anguish. Thank God, I finally realized that God is positive and having Him in every part of my life is much more fun and fruitful than living trapped in those negative emotions and toxic fumes. Galatians 5: 22- 23; But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self – control.
I have begun to see myself the way God sees me. My mind is off the past. I opened my eyes up to what God wants me to do in my life today. I now believe that God has a plan and new beginnings for me. I must choose to look away from the past and look forward to what God wants to do in my life. God wants me to look from where I am to where I am headed.
In everything I do whether as a teacher, co-author and many different roles, I know God is with me and always using me in all those areas I touch. I know that He has something more for me. I believe God will call me to do even more in my life. I often remind myself that God loves me and wants me to use me in powerful ways to help other people. He will prepare me for whatever comes my way. He has increased my confidence in amazing ways and given me assurance.
My purpose is to encourage women, to let them know that it is time for women to take your rightful place in society. It’s time for you to have healthy self respect, and a balanced God-given love and a firm, unshakeable confidence in God and the gifts, talents and abilities that God has placed on the inside of you.
YOU ARE WOMAN! Remember God loves you. You have a destiny. It’s time you realize who you really are! Romans 15:13 – May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power the Holy Spirit.
Signed,
Precious
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