When I was 3 years old, I was in a tap dancing recital named “Baby Take a Bow”. My costume called for white tap shoes, but I only had black ones. To remedy this, my mom bought white spray paint and took my tap shoes outside behind my grandparents’ garage and sprayed them white. Being only 3, I was fascinated with watching the transformation. I couldn’t wait to wear my new shoes, so I watched them alone behind the garage, waiting for the paint to dry. My uncle found me behind the garage alone, and introduced me to the end of my childhood. I was only 3. I was only waiting for the paint to dry. The sexual abuse lasted for 9 years. There were times when I wanted to tell my parents, but I was afraid of my family finding out. What would they think of me? My uncle had also threatened to hurt me and told me it was our secret. One time when I was at my great grandmother’s house, she caught my uncle with me and gave ME a very disapproving look, never told anyone else in my family and never said a word to my uncle. I was about six years old when this happened. She taught me that what was happening to me was shameful and my fault by the way she looked at me. She also showed me that I wasn’t worth protecting or saving from the abuse. In my mind, I continued waiting for the paint to dry. Another time at my grandparents’ house, I walked in on my uncle playing a game with my sister in his room (she was only 4 years old and I was 8) and I knew from his behavior that he was going to try some things on her. So I told her that she needed to go play outside and I took her place to protect her. I determined at that time that I would never let him touch her. I would do whatever it took to make sure she didn’t turn out like me. When I was 12, my family moved into my grandparents’ house for a few months while my parents waited to close on the house they bought. My sister and I shared a room upstairs with a huge walk in closet. My sister was in the closet, and I was in our room after school. My uncle walked into our room and wanted me to go with him. For months now, I wanted the abuse to end, and on that day, I finally had the strength to stand up to him and say no. When I told him to get out and that I wasn’t going to allow him to touch me anymore, he became enraged and actually body slammed me onto my bedroom floor. My sister came running out of the closet and saw me on the floor. My uncle got scared and left our bedroom. I went downstairs and told my grandma that he threw me onto the floor and she brushed it off and didn’t do a thing. However, she did tell me not to aggravate him, so he wouldn’t get worked up like that. I went back up to my room and laid on my bed and in my mind I waited for the paint to dry. Being violated had been a lifestyle for me. I didn’t realize at this time in my life that the physical violation was truly nothing in comparison to the emotional violation that had taken place in my soul. From that day on, he never touched me again, but the abuse continued to touch me for many years to come.
John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
One Wednesday night at church, I heard Pastor Jo Ann teach on this verse. She mentioned how people live in part A of that verse, ‘the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, or part B of that verse, ‘I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.’
When the abuse finally ended, I wore the shame of it for almost 15 more years as a shield around me. Shame was a constant companion for me. I chose to hold onto my past and the hurts involved with it instead of the life that Jesus was offering to me. I never believed that I was worthy of the second part of that verse.
I came to a breaking point when I was about 24 years old. I knew I couldn’t go on the way I was. If God is who He says He is, then how could I go on wearing the shame and fear like a favorite coat? Pastor JoAnn gave me a book called Hinds Feet in High Places and I cried through the whole thing and read it in a few days. I was the character, ‘Much Afraid’ in that book and I knew that my Shepherd was leading me on a path to my freedom. That book was written for me.
At a time not of my choosing, the delicate house of cards that I had built came tumbling down. The realization that through all of those years since the abuse ended and the paint still hadn’t dried was overwhelming. I began counseling and started my path to freedom. I began to understand the depth of things that had been taken from me. At this point, Paul, my parents and sister were the only ones in my family that knew this abuse had taken place.
A few months into this process, my grandfather died, and my grandma was going to sell her house and move to a Senior Care Facility. I went there with my mom to help clean and prepare the house to sell it. My mom was helping with something in the basement and didn’t realize that I was assigned to clean my uncle’s old bedroom, where a lot of the abuse had taken place. I defiantly wore a very strong ‘I am Fine’ mask, so no one in my family could really tell how hurting I was on the inside. I was determined not to let anyone see the shame that resided in me. When I was in his room, I was in the closet where much of the abuse took place, wiping down his floor. I swiped my left hand behind his dresser, and a piece of broken glass caught my ring finger. I went to the sink in the bathroom and got most of it out, but a small sliver remained in my finger. From that day on, every time I bumped my finger, I was reminded of all of the abuse that I had suffered. The pain in my finger was a constant reminder of my friends named shame and fear. I didn’t know how to function without those companions.
When my counseling had reached the point that I knew I wanted to move forward and evict shame and fear out of my life, I agreed to have some of the pastors pray for me to be set free from those things. In my heart I tried to believe that God would heal me, but I doubted so much. I silently prayed that if God would really heal me, my sign would be that the glass, that was there for over a year now, would come out of my finger. God brought me to a verse in Mark 5:39-42, ‘39And when he had entered, he said to them, "Why are you making a commotion and weeping? The child is not dead but sleeping." 40And they laughed at him. But he put them all outside and took the child's father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was. 41Taking her by the hand he said to her, "Talitha cumi," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise." 42And immediately the girl got up and began walking (for she was twelve years of age), and they were immediately overcome with amazement.’
When I read these verses, I was overcome with emotion. I felt like this girl represented me. She was 12 years old when Jesus took her hand and told her to arise. I was 12 years old when the sexual abuse ended, but my battle over my mind and emotions lasted another 12 years. I believe when these pastors prayed for me, Jesus reached out and took my hand and said to me ‘little girl, I say to you arise!’ I really felt God’s presence wash down over me. In my heart I believed that my emotions were healed. When I went home that night, in faith, I squeezed that finger and the glass sliver popped right out! He refreshed me and because of His grace and mercy, I can say here today that I am free from the shame of the abuse in my life. His freedom came rushing in like a flood. The paint had finally dried. I realized that God had always looked at me as a valuable, cherished and loved child. I could never see that for myself. I finally understood myself to be someone who was valuable, and I was able to embrace how God viewed me for the first time. I now know my self worth and value was never in what happened to me in my life, but always in God alone, and His love for me, just because I was His.
One of my favorite verses is Micah 2:13, “The breaker is come up before them; they will break out, Pass through the gate, and go out by it; their king will pass before them, With the LORD at their head." The Hebrew word for Breaker is parats. Some of the meanings are: to break through or down or over, burst, breach; to break or burst out (from womb or enclosure); to break up, break in pieces; to break out (violently) upon; to break over (limits), increase; to use violence; to burst open; to spread, distribute. God is the Breaker in this verse. God takes the lead and breaks open a way for us to be free from those things that bind us. That is what God did with the shame and fear, He annihilated them. My passion is to see women walk in freedom from shame and fear. Most of my life I was primarily confined by those things. When I was set free from them, it was because I finally believed that God is who He says He is and He broke through on my behalf so I could confidently walk in His authority and follow His lead for other women. Because of that freedom, I have authority over shame and fear. I want to see that same freedom and authority with the women I come into contact with ~ and to see women effectively perpetuating that authority in their families and generations to come!
Signed,
Valuable
